Well. The Daphne + Andrew + Sarah drama is over. I feel like a toy to be used by a certain someone everytime I go to his house and I might not pass certain classes for 1st semester.

The weather is changing so i am getting constant headaches and my eyes hurt all the time. Ive been talking to Eric a lot and now Im setting him up on a date. lol <3 and uh...

A certain someone else is moving on and i...it makes me sad okay? I just...It's hard seeing that certain someone looking to be with someone else when you know, i really fuckin cared about him...I still care about him.

And like. I havent seen my child in what seems like forever and My other child doesnt have much going on and i just wanna never have children because i watched the birth video at like SEVENAM! and now my vagina has been hurting all day because it just looked awful and and and....im rambling because i dont wanna talk about all the other shit i have going on and this is NOT a cry for attention and this is NOT something random that im lying about because i know shitty people who say shit like that because they think im full of shit and IM NOT. this shit is shit ive been dealing with FOREVER i just dont journal about it because most people wont care about my shit, they worry about their shit and i have to deal with it on my own which is fine but i mean its HARD. and i just wanna hurrrrrt. im having a mental breakdown and i have to act like everything is okay because dave wants to fuck me again over the weekend and i dont really want to but he is horny and i dont give a fuck right now because my mind is spinning and all i can think of is yesterday and how i wish time went backwards for once instead of forward because the future only wants to screw me over and treat me like shit and now i have to go eat and AGAIN pretend everything is okay and i CANT FUCKING PACE AND I NEED TO PACE BUT I CANT BECAUSE MY FAMILY WILL THINK IM CRAZY AND IM NOT TELLING ERIC ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HE WONT KNOW HOW TO ANSWER AND WHY THE FUCK IS CAPS LOCK STILL ON?! GODDAMMIT.

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I had food so im a lil better now but now my mind if fucked up. A certain girl i know went out with a freshman that raped me and didnt tell me. Now i try setting up my sheltered friend with her because he likes her A LOT but his hopes are kind of getting shattered as her little story of why she cant go out with him is being unfolded so now i have to convince her to give him a chance! BUT she likes my rapist more than my sheltered child. I wanna get high...this is the 1st time i have wanted to get high...just to get away from all the shit...Yea sure theres beer in the fridge downstairs but my parents would notice 5 beers missing. plus that shit tastes bad. Drugs arent too bad right? i mean ya, addiction and ruining the life...but i only want a little. just enough to help me forget...

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Now im crying because Dave is all sad cuz Bren got her stupid phone turned off and its like "dude you havent ever even fucking met her" and it just makes me feel so worthless to him and all week he has been horny as fuck and ive been on my period so i cant do shit and its like i go to his house and all her wants is a blowjob or handjob to make up for the fact that he cant have my pussy. Yea i know everyone is gonna say "break up with him" or "he's being abusive" or "ima kill him" but really dont. i need to fucking get over this shit and deal with it how i want to. how i choose to is my decision. im sorry if you dont like it. really i am. but i dont wanna lose a friend because of my decision. so please dont do that sorta thing to me. Please. im in the middle of a mental breakdown and i dont need that. please. i havent broken down like this in forever and i used to do it once a month. Tree and i were together for almost 9 months. i broke down with him on month 3. havent since then. and its been aboutttt...a month and a half since i broke up with him soooo....

10 1/2 months since my last break down...good right? HAH. IT ONLY MAKES IT WORSE NOW. everything hurts. i hate it. i hate Dave. I hate Bren. I hate myself. I hate my emotions. I hate my pulse. I hate my vital signs. I hate my body. I hate everything about living.

NICE JOB GOD. WHY DO YOU MAKE MY BODY SEND GROSS SLIMY BLOOD THROUGH MY BODY? WHY DO YOU ALLOW MY BODY TO REPRODUCE WHEN YOU KNOW LATER ON IN LIFE I CANT TAKE IT? I WONT TAKE IT! I WILL NEVER HAVE CHILDREN! I WILL NEVER HAVE ANYONE TO SUCCEED ME! BECAUSE YOU HAD TO MAKE IT HARD! YOU COULDN'T HAVE MADE IT SIMPLE AND EASY AND PLEASANT!?! YOU COULDNT MAKE MY HEARTBEAT LESS PREVALENT?

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I have been home since 3:30. none of my homework is done and i still need to shower. FUCK.